textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Rumble strips road head = magical
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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