New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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