we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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