Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
