I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
