Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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