i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
