Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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