last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
