So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
