Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
