thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
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She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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