Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
