i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
