How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
zippers are such a cool invention
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
