He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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