I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
