oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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