We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
