So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
