i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
