atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
