Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
