I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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