Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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