Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
