i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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