If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
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It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
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My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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