You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
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