apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
