I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
