I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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