I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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