i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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