your parents love me but you hate me
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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