apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
