she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Still dying that you shit outside
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
