party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
