You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
