Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
