New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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