He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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