well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
