How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
