Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
