I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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