Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
