You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
this will be a night to untag.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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