i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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