apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
