now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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