Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
