Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
whose ass print is on the piano?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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