I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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