Whod you bang
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
